Are You A Hot and Sexy Woman Or A Beautiful Woman – What’s The Difference?

A group of friends and I were watching a TV documentary one of my friends put together on sexual selection and consumerism in the twenty-first century. As I was watching the documentary I noticed that when the men interviewed — and all of them in the company of their girlfriends or lovers or spouses — were asked how they’d describe the women by their sides, the words that came up were “hot” and “sexy”. This was the same for 20 year olds as it was for 60 year olds — and of course the women proudly smiled, giggled or laughed. Out of the 30 men interviewed only two men described their women as “beautiful” and both men were in their 50s.

I asked my friends if that struck them as “odd” and one of them simply shrugged his shoulders and said “Runaway consumerism, it’s everywhere”. The others seemed to agree. But as someone very interested in things beyond the obvious, I felt that there was a deeper and more underlying message in that documentary that wanted to be communicated.

Nine out of thirty men interviewed said they were at the time of the interview only interested in a short-term sex relationship (of course they did not say this infront of the women). Fourteen of them said they thought their women were “hot and sexy” but they’d have sex with women other than the ones they were with if these other women were “hot and sexy”. Five of them said their women were “hot and sexy” because they looked great and were also feisty in the bedroom. The only two men who described their women as “beautiful” said “she is everything I ever wanted in a woman”.

To me this just confirmed what I’ve learned from many years of working in the dating and relationships field. I can tell with 99% accuracy what kind of relationship men and women are likely to end up with if they do not change course — especially their beliefs about the opposite sex and attitudes towards male-female romantic and sexual relationships in general.

Many men and women think they know what they are looking for in a mate but often find that they end up with men and women very different from what they say they are looking for. They are usually surprised to find out that they did not end up with the people who are different from what they are looking for, they ended up with the people who have EXACTLY the attributes related to what they emphasize in a partner.

When considering a partner for a casual sexual relationship, men (and women these days) tend to emphasize attributes related to sexual desirability based purely on physical appeal. When considering a partner for social companionship with or without sex men (and women these days) tend to emphasize attributes related to social and personal appeal (e.g. intelligence, ambition, status, education, connections, conversation skills, ability to get along etc.). And when considering a partner for a long-term relationship both men and women emphasize attributes that facilitate relationship quality and stability. These include things like honesty, warmth, intelligence, ambition, ability to get along and the ability to validate one’s existing beliefs and values.

Now, this is where consumerism hotwires our brains’ relationship circuits. The words “Hot and Sexy” are the in-words in advertising and every where in the media. We’ve been conditioned to an image of the ideal “hot and sexy” woman which we — most women anyway — want to emulate. Suddenly we don’t want to be beautiful anymore — we want to be “hot and sexy”. But what do these words really mean?

In an article in New York magazine, Ariel Levy, author of the book “Female Chauvinist Pigs” quoting Paris Hilton’s remark, “my boyfriends say I’m sexy but not sexual” wrote, “being hot” is a pose, an act, a tool, and entirely divorced from either physical pleasure or romantic love”. I don’t think I can say it any better than that.

The sad reality is that when a man describes a woman as “hot and sexy” that description is based primarily on how good a woman looks — for sex. Many men tell me it’s about that “sex-readiness look” that makes a man think “wow! I’d like a piece of that!” That’s okay if you are a woman and a casual sexual relationship is what you are looking for. But where does that leave you if you are a woman who wants a relationship with quality and stability? How do you “get the guy” without dressing and acting “hot and sexy”? Do you have to dumb yourself down on dates so as to appear “hot and sexy”?

I don’t think so.

I know for a FACT that men who are looking for a relationship with quality and stability are more interested in a woman who is “beautiful on the inside way.” A woman with the smarts in her sex appeal, and sex appeal in her smarts. And I am talking real smarts combined with real sex appeal. If a man does not have enough self-esteem and confidence to handle that, don’t waste your time, acting dumb isn’t going to make him feel any better about himself. And if a guy can’t hang around for a while to see and feel what SEXY really looks and feels like, let Mr. Sexually Immature go with his adolescent mentality. Twenty years down the road he’ll be just another frustrated depressed sexually immature man still looking for “hot and sexy”.

I just want to add that, I am not saying “hot and sexy” are dirty words. I (think) I’ve been described like that a few times and I have to be honest it did kind of feel good. What I am saying here is:

Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

Who calls you back when you hang up on him.

Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

Who holds your hand in front of his friends.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.